I am only alive today because I could not access a gun when I was 15
By: Grace Wankelman, Brady social media manager
See the Eiffel Tower lit up at night. Dive a shipwreck. Play “Vienna” by Billy Joel in Vienna. Adopt a kitten.
If this list sounds like something from a teenage girl’s journal titled “Things to Do Before I Die ❤,” you’d be entirely correct. For my 15-year-old self, these were my dreams. I wanted to see the world, experience romance and adventure, and of course, adopt a cat. It was an ordinary bucket list, even a bit cliché. But nine years later, when I look back on that list, I see the memories I’ve made — the joy I’ve been able to experience — all because I got a second chance at life after narrowly surviving a suicide attempt.
Like many teens, I had dreams for my future. I hung out with friends, did well in school, played sports, joined clubs, and was active in my church. I seemed like a “normal” teenage girl. But also like too many young people, I was battling severe depression. I didn’t know how to ask for help, so I kept smiling and pretending everything was fine. It worked for a while — until it didn’t. I started to believe I would be better off dead. Overwhelmed by my pain, I began contemplating suicide. I just wanted the pain to stop. So, I started planning how to end my life.
I knew that a gun was the way to ensure death. My parents didn’t have firearms, all the gun owners I knew stored theirs locked up, and in the state of Colorado, I couldn’t legally purchase a firearm for another three years. But if I had access to a gun, I would have used it. No one would have suspected me as someone to keep guns away from: I was a responsible kid who was taught from a young age to respect the power of firearms and I showed no signs of being a danger to myself or others.
Make no mistake: I am only alive today because I could not access a gun nine years ago.
Some promote the myth that if people in crisis can’t access firearms, then “they’ll just find another way.” And yes, I “found another way.” I overdosed. I had to be flown from my hometown hospital to Denver, where I was unconscious for a week, spent two weeks in the ICU, and a month in the hospital. I had to relearn how to walk, talk, eat, and drink. In many ways, it’s a miracle I’m still alive and able-bodied. But it wasn’t just a miracle that saved me: it was the fact that I didn’t use a gun. Drug overdoses are fatal in just 2% of attempts, while firearms are by far the most lethal method, resulting in death over 90% of the time.
There’s a myth that people who attempt suicide are chronically depressed, hellbent on ending their life, and beyond saving. But like many, I was sick and needed help. After waking up in the hospital, I received the care I needed. I addressed the factors that led to my crisis, accessed mental health care, and started antidepressants. Slowly, I came back to myself. The same girl who couldn’t imagine living to see her high school graduation eventually graduated with honors, earned a full-ride scholarship, traveled the world, and yes, checked off every item on that cliché bucket list. (The kitten’s name is Esmeralda if you’re wondering). There isn’t a day that goes by when I’m not grateful for my second chance. The joy, love, and adventure I’ve experienced in the past nine years are immeasurable, and I owe it all to the fact that I survived. I’m not an anomaly — 70% of people who survive a suicide attempt never try again. We are not beyond saving.
We need to have tough conversations about the root causes of suicide: destigmatizing mental illness, increasing access to affordable care, and addressing systemic inequalities that lead to crisis situations. But we must also address the role of guns.
Over half of all gun deaths in the United States are suicides. Every day, 74 Americans die by gun suicide — more than from firearm homicides and unintentional shootings combined. Among wealthy nations, the U.S. has the weakest gun laws and the highest suicide rate. The data is clear: firearms are uniquely lethal. Less than 5% of suicide attempts involve a gun, but when they do, they are fatal more than 90% of the time. In America, we cannot effectively address gun violence without addressing suicide, and we cannot prevent suicide without limiting access to firearms for those in crisis.
Many people, especially parents, buy guns to protect their loved ones. This is a decision rooted in love, but I’m here to tell you: if those guns aren’t safely stored — locked, unloaded, and separate from ammunition — there’s a real risk that the very loved one you’re trying to protect could use it to end their life. The majority of youth firearm suicides occur in the home and involve a gun owned by a family member. Many parents think that their child would never attempt suicide; my parents thought the same. If there had been an unlocked gun in my home, I likely wouldn’t be here today.
Today, on Firearm Suicide Prevention Day, join me in working to end suicide for good. Learn how safely storing firearms can save lives at endfamilyfire.org.
If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, contact the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, which provides 24/7 free and confidential support. Call or text 988 or visit 988lifeline.org.
